The Freezing Heart of Conquest
by Subtle Ninja
Summary: I was watching Excel Saga, Matrix Reloaded and Animatrix all in one day, when at sometime I had an  awesome fanfic idea.  Sadly I forgot it and came up with this one instead.  Excel tries to conquer Antarctica.
1. Chapter 1

_THE FREEZING HEART OF CONQUEST_

_An Excel Saga Fan fiction_

___I don't own Excel Saga. Nor do i own Sony or its products. Or Waterworld. Or Morgan Freeman. Or an Xbox 360. _

_Stuff Happens_

The President of the United States of America declared war on pretzels. He was tired of fighting the war on intangible 'terrorism' and wanted to fight something he could see. The mysteries of the twistiness and saltiness of pretzels had long confused him and he feared confusion. Therefore, he hated pretzels. And thus did the Great Pretzel Prohibition begin in America.

"Haaiill Illpallaaaaazzzzooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh" Excel Excel and Hyatt screamed in unison.

"Good morning. Nice to see that you are cheerful." Ilpalazzo said. "What seems to be the problem, Excel."

Excel was glancing around the cavernous room. "Has something changed in this room...it seems smaller than normal. Perhaps Excel is seeing things."

"No, you are correct. The room is smaller because my new 2000 inch High Definition Plasma TV with DVD player and Playstation 3 is occupying most of the previously unused space."

"Looks expensive..." Excel was examining the shiny surface.

"It was _very_ expensive. Please step away." A Doberman leaped from around the TV and chased Excel to her place before her Lord.

"We did not know you possessed that amount of wealth." Hyatt said softly.

"Yeah, we could have had food." Excel said, stomach grumbling.

"Since you have emergency food stores, I did not think food necessary to purchase. Let's move on. Today we will look to the future, a future when ACROSS has conquered Japan and moves to other countries. This country is called Antarctica. You will go there and gather information on this country for our eventual take-over." He raised a remote, pressing a button. A metal cylinder rolled to Excel. "Here. There is enough air for two hours. I suggest you swim fast." He pressed another button and Excel fell into the giant gaping maw of the floor.

___END. For now._


	2. Chapter 2

_The Ergonomical Ice-covered Desert_

Water lapped the surface of the icy shore Antarctica. A blond girl in a strange green costume, washed ashore. She crawled to escape the water's embrace. She turned and looked out over the sea. "I made it." she said softly. She stood, pulling a fur coat from no where and putting it on. "According to the Excel Compass, I have reached Antarctica in two and a half days! I would have drowned, if it was not for that mysterious man and that familiar-looking sail-boat!" she waved to a sail boat offshore, a bearded man waved back "Thank you Kevin Costner!" she screamed.

"Now to find Ha-chan." An icy gloved hand rose out of the snow. "Ah" Excel dug furiously, revealing a pale dark-haired girl in a purple-ish costume. (cheese fries) "How did you get here?"

"I do not know Senior, but somehow I am here." Hyatt said softly, as she says all things.

"Alright, time to find the natives.!"She closed her fist as they surveyed the desolate ice around them. A tumbleweed rolled by. "A TUMBLEWEED! THIS ISN'T THAT KIND OF DESERT YOU STUPID-" A prehistoric mammal encased in a ball of ice rolled by. "BETTER! Let's go Hyatt!"

They traversed the wasteland in no direction in particular. Suddenly they found a patch of slippery ice. Then they found some rough ice. Then some popsicles. "OOOoooo!" Excel licked one and her tongue did not stick to it. (fooled you)"Salty-ish! with a hint of lemon!"she said.

"It is severely cold Senior" Hyatt said.

"You have a talent for noting the obvious dontcha."

'WAAAANNKK!'

"What the hell? Hyatt, did you hear-"

'Waaa waank!' A penguin waddled to them.

"Ah, a native." Hyatt said.

"And well-dressed too, if a bit short."

'waamm wank' Another penguin appeared. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another.

Trust me, it goes on. Then another. But you don't want to read this do you? Then another. Maybe you do. Then another. Cuz you're a masochist.

Then another. Then another part is coming up!


	3. Chapter 3

_Evil Lives In the Most Innocent_

Meanwhile, four others walked the surface of Antarctica.

"Why did we come here again?" Watanabe asked once more.

"Because Kabapu would cut our salary if we didn't. Permanently." Matsuya answered.

"Oh, that's right. But he didn't mention how cold it was!"

"Quit yappin' Watanabe!" Iwata said "Just huddle for warmth. Speaking of which, hey Misaki! I'm starting to feel numb in my extremities, you-" Matsuya grabbed his head and slammed him into the icy ground.

'He's gonna git frostbeet' Sumiyoshi said-ish.(i need a shower) The three walked on.

Iwata soon recovered, so do not worry for his health.

Umm. This part is too short. SGGdiejmfidi i m pretending the keyboard is a piano! jkdio48f903

klf0-cowlrh[io[upoiutttrreewsdfghjhjkllkhszxcvbnm,.

duryu4hjkfhv i love mozart! hkjl;'sdfkld;jf478410dudflkhdfsyretvbgUTEFHKVOIIUHIOhivhnrmhuvyihUIGUHIvfhgj

fkjdrienvidheinvariably life goes on without us knowing and that is why stars fall from the sky as I watch them dissipate into the earth and taint the soil with its presence! Jkuerigoobberrr gobble

hvouyrelalalalalalalalalalakskskskskskskskskskskss

the shark will get you... s k s k s ks k s k s k s k s k s k s k s k s ksksksksksksksks

kskskskskskskskskskssssssss! you're dead! Ha!


	4. Chapter 4

_The Overly Complicated Plan Of Action_

The penguins flocked around Excel and Hyatt, wanking and wonking.

"Perhaps you should speak with them" Hyatt said.

"Yes! Heey! Ignorant Masses of Suited Midgets from the barrenness of wastelands of Antarctica! We are agents from ACROSS and we are here to take over your icy land! Bow now and save us some trouble!"

The penguins fell silent. "I think it worked." Hyatt said.

'Wonk WeeWooooonk!" The cry was joined by others.

"They sound agitated. Perhaps they misunderstood."

"Right! Of course another country would have another language! Wonk Wonky woo Wonkity Wang Wonker! Un wonk Tres Wonicha Wanker!"

The penguins stared at Excel.(naruto comes on tonight...) "It seems you have their attention, Senior."

"I uh dunnoo...what now Ha-chan?"

"I do not know."

"You're useful. MMmmm EXCEL HAS A PLAN!"

two minutes plus one hour and five seconds later

"Almost done! You there Do this! Ha-chan wake up!"

eight minutes later.

"There!"

"What did you do Senior?"

"Well if you hadn't decided to sleep, you'd know. I have trained these exquisitely dressed natives in the art of war and equipped them for it. Now we just need to get back and we can use them to conquer the city!"

"Brilliant Senior!"

Two guys popped up. 'Brilliant!' they both screamed! They were holding beer bottles that said Guinntess. (Ha! not getting sued)

Penguins lolled about, some holding rocket launchers, some with tommy guns, others with kitchen utensils. "All trained and equipped for conqueration!"

"May i ask where these weapons came from?"

"Well, it'd be too cliche to say E-bay (rhyme, cool.) so i got them from some middle-eastern country. Real cheap too. They heard we were conquering the world and America and we got a discount!"

Meanwhile a man in a forest ate some berries. He drank from a nearby spring-fed river. A bear killed him. Brutally.


	5. Chapter 5

_March of the Undeniably Cold Group_

The four members (don't ask for Ropponmatsu) of the Environmental Security Administration of F-city traversed the ice.

"I'm hungry. I think there is a big bowl of rice over there." Iwata said, succumbing to illusions.

"Quit whining. It's a cliff-face by the way." Watanabe said.

"Like you should talk! All you've said since we left is 'it's cold. it's cold. I wonder what miss Ayasugi's doing, it's cold-"

BAM. Once again, Iwata lay on the ice, bleeding. A small group of penguins waddled to them.

"What are these.?" Watanabe asked.

"They seem to be some sort of (ah squirrels!) bird."

"Like chicken? Let's eat!" Iwata yelled.

"They are penguins." Morgan Freeman said. "Their story is one of love. And all stories of love start out with something foolish. In this case, a 70 mile journey across Antarctica. When they reach their breeding ground they will mate. They go with out food for months, just to have a single baby penguin. And the babies are particularly cute. So cute. Just like that puchuu."(Damn! I promised myself there'd be no puchuus!) Ahhh! puchuu attack!


	6. Chapter 6END

_The End You Moron __aka __The Regrettable Past_

"Now Ha-chan, all we must do is return to Ilpalazzo with the new ACROSS ARMY!"

"But how do we return home?"

"Excel has not thought that far ahead. I was hoping you have an idea."

'wank Wonk Week Week Woo John Woo! Wee!' A penguin fired a rocket into a far-off ice cliff. It exploded predictably.

MEANWHILE "It is amazing, the journey these suited birds take." continued Freeman"Penguins do this every year, and many are lost. Penguins are-" BOOM. oh wait, BOOOM! better.

MEANWHILE

"Hey! Those are dangerous! I demote you to Spatula Samurai! You will never be a Rocket Jockey again! You there, don't cut your arm-thingies, You, turn the safety on! You, you could poke an eye out with that ladle!"

'wonk weffuunmp wenk wong!' The penguins turned on each other and started an all-out civil war. It ended shortly with an avalanche.

Excel woke on top of the snow. Lucky. (mmm you'll never get me Luckied Charms. mmmommm.) Hyatt lay nearby.

"Ha-chan! This is no time to be sleeping! wake up! Wakey wake! We have a crisis! An unknown force decimated ACROSS' newly formed Tuxedo Unit! UP!"

"Oh...is it morning already?"

"C'mon, we have to find a way home."

"But how..."

"If only we had some Red Bull! We could get some wings! and Fly away! But no! we are not so lucky, we must rely on that over sized boat!" She pointed and, sure enough a boat appeared. WOW.

Inside the control room, Excel stared at the console. "Excel cannot decipher the code. She will hit buttons at random!" and that is what she did.

Bleep bloop bim., Beepity bop. boom. Who put the bop in biggley bop? whinnie the booh.

Hyatt began to feel dizzy. She fell onto the console, blood trickling out of her mouth.

"Alright, That's using your head!" she had fallen on a large read button that read 'press to start this ship and return to Japan.'

Several days pass. I lost count after 3. The ship crashed into land, since Excel could not control the ship. Two starving women crawled ashore.

A tall, tailed, marsupial hopped over. The blond reached up and snapped its neck. "FOOD!" Excel yelled.

THE END-ish


End file.
